Twin Chaos
by CloudMonkey
Summary: In which Garrett Hawke has the anchor and his twin sister, Marian Hawke, is the inquisitor. Watch as they wreak havoc across Thedas. "Do you regret finding them now, Seeker?" Varric asks Cassandra, his voice smug as they watch the twins attempt to ride a dragon for the seventh time. Slight Fenris/F!Hawke
1. Handcuffed

**Author's Notes** : I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes. This isn't a very serious take on two Hawkes leading the inquisition. More often than not they'll just mess up but I hope you enjoy this. I write each chapter for like 20 minutes and it's been a while since I played DAI so expect nothing.

* * *

Garrett Hawke wakes to the sound of a crack and feels his left hand ache. His head feels like someone badgered a hammer to it- which isn't unusual but the current one is hurting worse than anything he has felt before.

 _I knew I shouldn't have taken my sister up on her offer on that drink._

He carefully raises his head to observe his surroundings and realizes that he is in a prison cell. Noticing the handcuffs on his wrists, he groans.

 _I am_ _ **never**_ _drinking with my sister ever again._

The door to his cell slams open and two women he has never seen before in his life enter the room. He realizes with horror that one of them is a Seeker. What has he done now? What has his sister done to him now?

The Seeker hardens her gaze on him, her expression switching from slightly apologetic to suspicion to wariness. "I apologize, Champion, that we had to meet in these circumstances but we need answers," she says.

"The Divine is dead and all who attended the conclave died," she tells him. "All but you."

Nervous now, he slaps a hand to his face, not remembering that he had handcuffs which resulted in him smacking himself with it.

He is _never_ drinking- wait.

"Conclave? What conclave?" And notices that his left hand is glowing green. "And what's with my hand?" He doesn't question the dead people. There is always bound to be dead people as long as he is breathing but he definitely misheard the word _Divine._ He couldn't have included the Divine in his shenanigans, surely.

The other person takes over now, her voice like a song. She looks vaguely familiar. "Do you not remember? The Divine called upon a conclave to finally settle the war between mages and templars. There was an explosion and only you survived."

 _Oh._

Garrett remembers it now. Partially responsible for the war, he and his sister felt obligated to attend the conclave. But something came up and Marian wasn't able to attend.

Garrett sighs. "Lucky me, huh?"

The Seeker snaps and grips his glowing hand, the sudden motion startling Garrett. " _The Divine is dead and there is a hole in the sky, Champion._ This is no laughing matter and people have begun to suspect that _you_ are behind this."

Garrett opens his mouth, about to start defending himself, when he realizes that he can't remember anything from the conclave.

He opens his mouth anyway.

"Funnily enough, I don't even have memories of the conclave to defend myself." He frowns. "Weird."

Seeing the Seeker about to yell at him again, he interrupts her, "I can't remember anything. But if you showed me what happened then maybe I'll remember something."

The person with the soft voice- Leliana he remembers now- tells the Seeker that they should show him.

They unshackle him and lead him outside where they show him a giant green hole decorating the sky.

"Is it just me or is the sky looking a little green on the side?"

The Seeker tells him that the mark on his hand is connected to the breach, and that it is slowly killing him.

 _Oh. Not so lucky then._

He sighs in resignation. He always seems to get caught in the most dangerous situations: duel with the Arishok, abominations, the start of the mage-templar war, and now a hole in the sky spitting demons out.

On the bright side, he could tell his sister that he woke up to two ladies who handcuffed him.

* * *

 _Meanwhile at Marian Hawke._

"Hmmm..." She twirls her imaginary mustache, her eyebrow raising.

"My twin senses are tingling."


	2. Men with Chest Hair

**Author's Notes:** Fanfictiondotnet won't accept my long title. This is preposterous.

* * *

 **Chapter 2: _Men with Chest Hair Have a 100% Chance of Becoming Best Bro_  
**

Apparently, demons have been pouring out from the sky and no one around here knows what to do about it. His hand is the farthest they have gotten and all he did was sleep for two days while people panicked.

Cassandra leads him to an area full of demons and people fighting them, a small rift in the middle of it all. She readies her weapon and shield, and he readies his dagg-

 _Is that Varric?_

Forget about demons! Varric is here! Why- he does not care. His best bro is here and that's all that matters.

"Varric!" he shouts, waving his arms- his weapons around wildly, and sprints to his favorite dwarf. A rage demon blocks his way to his beloved and Garrett slashes it away with glee.

Varric's ears catch a familiar voice, a small smile making its way to his face. He is a little worried however, because he lied to Cassandra about the Champions' location, knowing that the twins are exhausted enough from shouldering the burdens of other people, from trying to save everyone. And now he seems to have wound up into trouble again.

Maybe it's just in their blood.

"Oof!" Varric gets the wind knocked out of him as Garrett jumps on him, his legs and arms locked around the dwarf. They are a comical picture. A dwarf wielding a crossbow wobbling on his feet, trying and failing to defeat demons because of an annoying human clinging onto him.

"Oh Varric! I missed you and your chest hair!" Garrett rubs his face against Varric's neck, as much as he is able to anyway due to their height and his position.

Varric laughs heartily but it gets cuts short because- "Hey, easy with the daggers, Hawke. Wouldn't want our reunion to end immediately because of sudden mishaps." He barely dodges the dagger carelessly dangling from Garrett's right hand. How this person became a skilled rogue when he's like this he does not know.

But Garrett does not seem to hear him, too busy kissing all over Varric's small head. Loud smooching noises fill the place, along with the occasional screams of agony, and Varric notices the dwindling number of demons.

Garrett releases Varric a few seconds later, albeit reluctantly, to at least help clear the area from monsters. He pouts when Varric wastes no time to rub his face clean from all the slobber.

Garrett turns around and gets to work. A little slash here, a little slash there, disappear, backstab, run away because he's squishy, and done.

He was about to wipe the blood off on his left hand when, out of nowhere, someone grabs his glowing hand and shoves it in front of the rift.

Poof.

The rift disappears.

"It seems you are the key to our salvation," an elf with a shiny head begins. "Your hand has the power to close the rifts and we may have the chance to close the breach yet."

Garrett examines his palm, not really certain with what just happened.

But he grins at the elf and gestures to his palm with his head. "I guess you could say it's quite _handy_ , huh?"

A disgusted noise could be heard from behind him while Varric laughs with delight.

 _The elf greatly disapproves._


	3. A Long Title About Crotches

**Chapter 3:** ** _Crotches Are Important But Not In The Way You Might Expect. You Probably Didn't Even Expect The Title To Be About Crotches_**

Word reaches her ears that one of the Champions of Kirkwall is now the Herald of Andraste. A bit miffed that her brother has been causing trouble without her, Marian Hawke sets to find him.

 _The Herald of Andraste_.

Now that's a big name. The only Andraste Marian knows is the one on Sebastian's crotch. She should congratulate her brother for becoming the Herald of such an intimidating crotch the next time she sees him.

 _Is this it_? She wonders as she looks at the gates of Haven.

The Frostback Mountains is definitely not her favorite place. Not to mention, the rifts that she had come across that spit out demons are definitely worrying. No matter what she did, she couldn't close or disable it. She has heard accounts that her brother could do it though.

When she heard of his achievement over the rifts, she couldn't help bragging that the Herald of Andraste is _her_ brother. She is a proud sister indeed.

After that, people tried to kill her as soon as they recognized her as the Champion but that was just a normal Tuesday.

Before she enters the gates, she catches sight of a wide eyed Seeker who blushed when they made eye contact. Another fan of hers, perhaps. They have been popping out of nowhere after Varric published that book about her and Garrett. She hasn't read it yet but she can already imagine the exaggeration of events that happened.

Marian hopes there's a part where she defeats dragons single-handedly.

Once she got inside, Marian wanders around for awhile, looking for someone to help her find her brother.

And then she sees it.

That hot red shirt revealing chest hair that even the gods envy, that rough beardless chin with his devilish smile, and that polished crossbow that has become the enemy of her and her brother's heart after countless attempts of flirting with the man.

Her eyes start watering and she lifts her hand to cover her mouth.

Her best bro!

"VARRIC!" Her shout rings all over Haven.

The man in question, who was previously busy writing a few notes for his novel, smiles, his eyes crinkling fondly. He stands up and turns around to greet his friend and-

"Oof!" Marian jumps on Varric, locking her legs and arms around him tightly. They wobble dangerously but the Champion cares not as she starts kissing every inch of the dwarf's head.

"Hey, easy with the affection or Bianca will get jealous," is what Varric wants to say but the metal plate on her Champion robes made it difficult for him to talk. What comes out of his mouth instead is a bunch of muffled protestations that flew right over Marian's head.

As soon as Marian dislodges herself from him, Varric does the same he did with her brother: wipe off all the slobber from his face while cursing Fereldans and their dog-like personalities.

"But you _love_ Fereldans and their dog-like personalities. Don't get shy on me now, Varric." She wags a finger at him, clicking her tongue.

Try as he might, Varric can't hold his own smile at the similarity of the twins' greetings.

"It's nice seeing you again, Hawke. Heard you've been busy," he says.

"Not as busy as my brother, it seems. He's the Herald of Sebastian's crotch now, I heard."

Varric looks confused for a second before getting the reference, laughing. He won't ever say it out loud but he really missed the twins and their humor.

He knows why she's here though, so he tells her what happened with her brother: Garrett sealed the first rift that appeared at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, cheered so hard when it worked, and fainted from cheering too much. He's been asleep for three days now, whether from exhaustion or because of laziness he isn't sure.

Marian slaps a hand to her face. "And where is he?"

Varric points her to the cabin where Garrett is currently staying and leaves to give the twins some alone time.

Inside the cabin, she notes with offense that her brother is lying on an uncomfortable looking wood that she thinks is supposed to be the bed.

She approaches her sleeping brother and checks for injuries. "Wakey wakey, brother. It's time to stop pretending now."

She won't admit this to anyone but she's a protective sister and that the smallest of things worry her. Not that this is a small thing but her brother sleeping for three days is doing nothing good to her oh so fragile heart.

With her at his side now, he'll definitely wake up either from her noise or- from her noise but louder.

She takes a stool she found beside a desk and moves it close to the bed. She makes herself comfortable before starting to work. And by work she means babbling her mouth off until Garrett wakes up.

"I'm confessing," she starts. "I really did eat your cookies back when we were seven, not Carver."

Garrett responds with silence.

"You know that girl you said had a crush on you because she kept looking at our direction? She confessed to me, actually."

She waits for a moment, continuing when she receives nothing.

"I know how to transform into a dragon now."

His face twitches.

Good. A response.

"They say that Sandal is the Maker."

His expression says that he is not surprised.

"Thedas needs you, brother. You have to wake up."

Huh? For some reason he looks more comatose now than earlier.

"Isabela still keeps pushing me for that twin sandwich. Help me stop her. "

"Varric has broken up with Bianca. It's time for us to capture our beloved dwarf's heart now, brother."

His mouth slightly curls up. Oooh it won't be long now.

She sings, "Come on now baby brother." Marian knows he hates being called that.

Garrett's eyes open to glare at his sister, the sides of his mouth turning down to a frown. "I'm two minutes older than you."

Marian grins. "That's what you always say, baby brother."

Garrett pushes himself up on the bed, still a little dizzy. He takes in his surroundings and wonders where he is.

At least it's an improvement from his previous prison cell.

"Is this an upgraded prison cell? With you here it _must_ be an upgraded prison cell."

Marian huffs, folding her arms over her chest. "Rude, brother." And then remembers that she's here to congratulate him. She stretches her arms wide saying, "Congratulations!" and hugs him. "You're the Herald of Andraste!"

"You mean the one on Sebastian's crotch?" he questions and returns her hug.

"Yup that's the one."

His only answer is a disgusted groan.

They stay like that for a few minutes in silence before Garrett murmurs to her, "You know, I woke up to two women who handcuffed me."


	4. Best Bros are Unreliable Narrators

**Author's Note:** I wanted to call both of the twins Hawke but it would have been confusing so I just used their default names. I'm so used to calling them Hawke and it makes me sad that I can't do that here :(

* * *

 **Chapter 4: _Varric is a Terrible Non-Fiction Writer But His Inaccuracies Make the Twins Giddy So Screw That One Critic Who Called His Book Unrealistic_**

After Garrett woke up, the twins used the time to catch up with each other even though they have only been separated for a week. They rummage the cabin for food, find nothing, and complain about the world. Then they discuss what happened to him, how he got the anchor, and who's the villain this time.

"And then, sister," Garrett continues his story, raising a finger and narrowing his eyes. "Once we arrived at the temple, there was this _suspiciously_ familiar voice. I swear I've heard it before."

Intrigued, Marian leans in. "What did the voice sound like?"

"It sounded like someone who'd go _Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha_!"

Her expression turns sage-like. "Hmmm... That does sound familiar."

They have met a lot of villains throughout the course of their lives: the Arishok, Bianca, Knight-Commander Meredith, Cullen's noodle hair, Bianca, Corypheus, and that one Chantry sister whose name rhymed with petri dish.

The twins think long and hard, rattling their brains for the source of the familiar voice until Marian finally takes an intelligent guess. She deduces, wisely, "It's most likely Bianca. I always knew that crossbow didn't like us."

Garrett perks up. "Bianca's your first guess too? But to actually involve the Divine in her schemes is unlike her. Should we tell Varric?"

Marian is about to answer him when an elf suddenly enters the cabin without knocking. Both twins raise their eyebrow at the intruder which seems to terrify the elf as she falls down on her butt before scrambling to right herself.

The elf squeaks, "You're- You're awake! You are to see La- Lady Cassandra once you've woken. 'At once,' she said." Her voice trembles and she takes a step back. "At once!" She finishes- barely- before bolting out of the cabin, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

The twins ask around Haven where Cassandra is because the terrified elf forgot to tell them. _At once!_ the elf said before fleeing with the speed of someone whose butt was on fire.

Yes they'll definitely find Cassandra at once.

They stop by Varric's place, barely able to restrain themselves from plastering their bodies onto him again, and ask if he knows where Cassandra is.

Varric responds by saying that he's hiding from her and her sword so he doesn't know.

They roam around some more until they find Cassandra outside the gates, near the training soldiers. She is pacing back and forth, fidgeting with the thick book in her hands. Then she'd stand straight, her intense gaze landing on the air in front of her, and murmurs something before pacing back and forth again.

Garrett approaches her from behind. "You wanted to see me, Cassandra?"

" _Ah!"_ She jerks around in surprise and Cassandra almost drops the book. "Champion!"

Garrett and Marian give a little wave.

Cassandra gathers herself for a moment, taking a deep breath and clearing her throat. "I've been meaning to... apologize for my rude behavior from three days ago," she says, her cheeks coloring a soft pink. "It was inappropriate and I even _manhandled_ you, the Champion of Kirkwall no less." She sounds horrified.

Honestly, Garrett doesn't mind. If he saw himself he would probably arrest him too. Maybe even pick a fight. Besides, manhandling Garrett is usually the _only_ way to make him listen. So no hard feelings.

But Garrett says nothing of this to Cassandra because because they're uncool thoughts. He spies the title _Tale of the Champions_ on the cover of her book and guesses that she's a fan so naturally, he has to turn on his charm.

He flashes his debonair smile and Marian helps him by adding a twinkle to his teeth with magic. "It's alright, Cassandra. Besides, I don't mind being manhandled by a pretty lady." He throws in a wink too for extra charm points.

He can almost hear his sister's proud cheers for that smooth line.

Cassandra's face turns an alarming shade of red that both twins approach her in concern.

"Are you okay, Cassandra?" Marian reaches out to touch Cassandra's elbow which Cassandra almost jerks away before controlling herself.

"Yes, thank you." She can't maintain eye contact with the both of them anymore so she transfers her gaze to her shifting feet. She hopes they can't hear the loud beating of her heart. She _hopes_ she doesn't faint in front of them. Possibly embarrassing herself in front of the people she looks up to is the worst thing that could happen to her.

The Champions.

They're here. With her. Talking to her like she's a normal person. Marian Hawke _touched_ her and Cassandra touched Garret Hawke's hand three days ago- even if it was in a violent manner.

 _Tale of the Champions_ portrayed them as kind, charming, wise, and honorable people. They handle every situation with care, always trying to save everyone and always picking the choice where, if possible, no one but them gets in danger.

Cassandra's favorite is the part where Marian Hawke defeated three high dragons all by herself to save a dwarf. She came out mortally wounded but still, she smiles so the dwarf wouldn't worry about her. When Cassandra read that scene, she cheered in awe. She even shed tears a little.

To think that these people actually exist!

It was different three days ago with Garrett. The situation that time was dire and there was no time to fangir- no time to admire the Champion. And while there is still a hole in the sky, relaxing is not as dangerous as it was days ago.

Wishing her trembling is not obvious, she gives the book to a confused Marian.

"Will you... If it's alright with the two of you, will you please sign my copy of _Tale of the Champions?"_

* * *

 **End Note:** Cassandra is going to be very disappointed once she gets to know them better.

Or will she?

Also, I have a lot planned for this story after they arrive in Skyhold. Problem is, my creative juices got nothing for Val Royeaux, Redcliffe, and Corypheus' entrance. Wish me luck.


	5. To Gel or Not to Gel

**Author's Notes:** So yeah. It's been a year guys lmfao. This chapter has been sitting in my documents folder for a decade now but was too insecure to post it. I created this fic because I was pretty sad and needed some Hawkes to lighten up ma world. When I wasn't sad I didn't feel like writing it. I'm not sad anymore though but I got this outline for the Hawke twins and it's just a shame if I didn't share the insanity. Thank you for those who reviewed.

* * *

 **Chapter 5** _ **: A Man Who Strips Away His Only Redeeming Quality (Hair), Is a Man No Longer**_

"You're not Cullen," Marian accuses, her eyes narrowed and her body assuming an offense position with her staff pointed to not-Cullen.

"The Cullen we know doesn't have hair like this," interjects her brother as he attempts to part the commander's well-glued hair.

Garrett has been mussing up and searching through not-Cullen's hair for the past hour now, trying to find the real Cullen hiding underneath all that perfectly styled hair, and after 43 tries, not-Cullen is too tired to swat the Champion's hands anymore.

The imposter rubs his face with his gloved hands, exasperated. The twins have been at it for an hour now when they should have been discussing their plans for the inquisition. Honestly, why was Hawke even at the conclave? Why couldn't he have been somewhere far away? Why even choose to be responsible at the most inconvenient of times? If Cullen had known that the Herald would be one of the Hawke twins, he would have given his resignation letter earlier. Alas, he is an honorable man and he has long dug his grave.

He looks to the other advisors for help. He puts on his best pleading eyes and turns to Josephine, but Josephine has abandoned him. Instead, the other advisors have pulled up a meeting between the three of them in the corner of the room, deeming them a lost cause. Cassandra is sneaking glances at them though, more at the twins than him so he can't beg her for help with his eyes. Her brows furrow, confused, before going back to their separate meeting with Leliana and Josephine, then back to peeking at them.

Marian still has her staff pointed to not-Cullen while Garrett is still pulling at his hair and messing it up.

The nerve of this man, parading around and calling himself Commander Cullen. The man she knows would never degrade himself to use this monstrosity called hair products!

"Tell us the truth! Where. Is. Cullen."

You know what? This is why Cullen left Kirkwall. To get away from these annoying little shits.

"You may have his face but you don't have his heart." What does that even mean? "Cullen's good and noble heart was with his hair. And now you have destroyed all that was left of him." Does that mean his whole existence relied on his hair?

Garrett finally stops his futile searching and takes a step back.

Ah. The Maker has finally listened to his prayers.

"Shall I do the honors, sister?" Garrett asks.

Before pulling out the murder knife.

Cullen's eyes widen at the sudden turn of events and whips his head to the other advisors. Are they seeing this?

Yes. Yes they are seeing this in fact. But they merely raise an eyebrow at the peculiar scene before going back to their conversation.

 _Don't abandon me now!_

Is his entire being so worthless compared to his hair that they don't mind him getting killed right in front of their eyes? Is this the life the Maker has given to him? Will this be his end?

 _No._ Cullen decides. This will not be his end. Even if he has to tell the dirty truth about himself.

Cullen puts his hands up, his shoulders slouching. "I... I will confess."

His words catch the attention of the twins and the other advisors. Cassandra, Leliana, and Josephine cease their hushed whispers to each other to see how this will go, and Garrett and Marian put their weapons down to listen to his shameful confession.

* * *

Outside the war room, the NPCs are becoming curious. The leaders of the Inquisition have been inside the room for hours. No doubt, intense discussions about the matters of Thedas are solely in their heads right now. To have leaders like them in the Inquisition, the people of Thedas are quite fortunate indeed.

Suddenly, scandalous gasps and cries could be heard from within.

" _I knew it!"_ Leliana's voice exclaims, before everything goes silent once again.

* * *

 _Tale of the Champions_ was one of the first books Solas read when he had awoken from his long slumber. And while it was interesting, the characterizations of the main protagonists were too perfect. They were kind, witty, smart, and unbeatable. Although it did not matter to him then because he only picked the book up to catch up on the current events of the new world he accidentally created.

However...

It seems not everything was fiction, Solas concluded after witnessing the twins help the refugees by giving the hunter the amount of ram meat he needed.

The twins, along with Cassandra, Varric, and Solas, met with mother Giselle earlier as per the advisors' suggestion. The state of the refugees worried Solas so he decided to offer his assistance while the others talked with Mother Giselle. Once the short meeting was finished, Solas expected them to move on to where they needed to be next, even if leaving the refugees without helping them did not sit well with him. To his pleasant surprise, they stayed. Their group, or more specifically, Garrett and Marian, went around the camp, looking for people who needed help and giving it to those who needed it.

They hunted down ram for their meat to give the refugee hunter, convinced the horse master to supply the Inquisition with horses, sealed two rifts, searched medicine for a refugee's wife, delivered love letters, sealed another rift, walked in a circle around a tomb to raise an undead old man, destroyed red lyrium deposits, and-

Solas rubs his face with his hands.

You see.

It has already been a week.

Solas was relieved that a person whose heart was in the right place received his power, but- _will they ever stop taking requests from both strangers and letters suspiciously lying on the ground?_

"Might I suggest leaving for Val Royeaux?" Solas 'suggests' for what probably is the ninth time this day already.

Marian frowns at him from where she is setting up her tent. "And abandon the poor farmers to these vicious wolves?" she argues. "Or leave the Hinterlands with still a few rifts not closed? Or-"

And by that Solas has already stopped listening.

He is a polite man. But a polite man also has his limits. Especially when dealing with the Hawke twins.

"I didn't expect you to be someone who just abandons people who need help, Solas," the other twin chimes in and Solas tries his hardest not to scream in annoyance.

He takes a deep breath and replies, "I merely thought our presence at Val Royeux is more important. We can always return here at a later date after all."

"I'm with Chuckles here, Hawke," Varric pipes in while he prepares the logs for the campfire. "I'm pretty sure the animals here are sick of our faces now after wandering here for almost a week."

Marian and Garret don a rare look of consideration to Solas' relief. Truthfully, the twins have been getting bored of the Hinterlands. They don't know why but there's something deep inside them that won't let them leave. There are a lot of quests to do. The Hinterlands is too big and there's this uncontrollable desire to explore the entirety of it.

 _But to think..._

Done with her tent, Marian walks away from the camp, sitting on a boulder she finds on the way. A few minutes later, her brother settles himself on the space beside her.

Garrett breaks the silence.

"Maybe he's right," he says, "I _have_ noticed the animals scurrying away from the sight of us these past few days, even when we have done nothing wrong to them."

Marian nods at the excellent observation her brother provided. A late observation but excellent nonetheless. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? I kept agonizing why the fennecs keep running away." Turns out they were just sick of them. That's embarrassing.

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings," Garrett answers, moving his hand to hold hers in sympathy.

Marian sniffs. Well he already did.

They stay like that in silence, mourning the what-ifs with the fennecs, the could-be's with the ram.

Garrett hears a soft growl to his far right and lets go of Marian's hand to stand and search for the curious sound. He finds the source far from their encampment before immediately tugging his sister's sleeves, almost ripping them to get her attention.

His breath hitches, barely hearing her annoyed _what,_ and points a trembling finger.

Marian follows the direction he's pointing at and her irritated expression washes away.

 _Is that... a bear?_ _ **Three**_ _bears!_

Three majestic bears with silky brown fur that are just _begging_ to be touched.

There were no bears in Kirkwall, to think that they would find not just one, but _three_ with their own eyes here in the Hinterlands.

Perhaps they shouldn't leave yet.

The twins leave their boulder and approach the bears with no tact whatsoever.

"Yo, bear!" Marian waves with her hand high up in the air. "Nice to meet you! My name's Marian Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, and the most fashionable mage in Thedas!"

While she's doing her introductions, Garret sidles up to the bear nearest to him. He raises a trembling hand, brushing the tips of his fingers to his fur, not believing that a bear could be this beautiful, before jumping onto the bear and rodeoing him.

He grins at Marian cockily. "Ha! I'm riding a bear while _you're_ busy with your pathetic introductions."

Marian stares at her brother, flabbergasted. " _Are you stupid?_ Why are you riding him?! We only just met- _you don't do that to the creatures we just met._ What if they think badly of us- _oh you fool!"_

But Garrett cares nothing for proper introduction manners. He's riding a bear!

He wonders if the bear he's riding on can ride the other bear too. That way, he can ride _two_ bears!

"Hey, bear." Garret pats him on the cheek to calm him down. It has been growling louder and louder for a while now. Maybe he's excited to ride the other bear too? Oh man, this is the best-

"AAAAAARGH" And inhuman scream makes it way out of his throat.

The bear he's riding on bites on his hand and proceeds to chew it like crispy chicken. Garrett desperately tries to pry open its mouth but ultimately failing because of his weak strength. Even better, the second bear wants in on the meal too, judging by the licking of its lips.

"Help me, sister!"

But Marian cannot bear ( _she giggl- ahem)_ to watch the horror of her brother getting eaten by the beasts any longer, so she turns around and runs the fuck away, leaving him for slaughter. (And _no,_ it's not because of the third bear slowly approaching her.)

Garrett calls out to her in panic, "Hey! You traito-" A shriek makes its way out of his throat "- _How dare you-"_

"I-I'm going to call for help! You go distract the bears!"

" _I'm getting_ _ **eaten**_ _by the bears_!"

"Then you're doing a good job distracting them! Good job, bro! Good job!" She runs backwards this time to give her slaughtered brother two thumbs up.

" _DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME."_

He throws a paralyzing bomb to her, not letting her escape. If he's going to suffer, then so will she! The bomb hits her and it works, she can't move her body anymore.

He can't move his body anymore either because he just used the last of his strength to throw that bomb to her.

" _Why didn't you use that on the bears?!"_

"Because at least the bears don't leave me when I'm in trouble- _AAHH_!" _Oh his bones his bones his bones. NOO NOT THE CALF he's ticklish there_.

"They're _eating_ you- _aarrghk!"_ The third bear caught up and is now starting with her paralyzed arms.

She cries, " _Nooo_ this is my best armor!"

Idiots they are, they spend the last minutes of their lives getting eaten by the bears. Garrett is still not regretting his decision to throw his last bomb to Marian though. Revenge is always swee- _please no he likes that hand._

This is how the story of the Herald of Andraste and the supposed to be Inquisitor ends.

It ends with bears. Like how most players ended when we first started Dragon Age: Inquisition.

- _Fin-_

* * *

 **Notes** : Sorry guys. The story can't continue anymore. They're dead. Eaten by bears.

 **Notes** **\+ 2** : I can't remember if Cullen has noodle hair in DA2 but his hair in DAO stayed with me. I played DAI first so I found it hilarious.

 **Notes + 3:** Hello whrr trudy ! I'm definitely using your idea if that's okay with you. That sounds hilarious. Thank you dude.


End file.
